notes from a ghostly girl.

also, note to self:

stop sweatin’ all the small stuff.  

the pretzels i’m eating taste like sawdust.

it’s rather unfortunate, because i have a huge pretzel craving.  

also, i really want to play some night games.  ghost in the graveyard, kick the can, other shenanigans, you know…

today is weird.   really weird.  i feel like my emotions have been all over the place.  i started off irritable this morning, then concerned, then worried, then annoyed, then content… and so on and so forth.  

random post, i know.  i’m just in a talking mood, and since i’m stuck at home, i only have myself to talk to.  and here is the result.  

wah.   

venting post. here we go, tumblr.

well, i hope you’re happy.  i got approximately 3 hours of sleep last night, barely beating whatever little amount of sleep i got the night before that.  i really trusted you.  i cared about you so much, and it was so hard for me to tell you that and let myself trust someone like that again, and you turned around and led me on and now i’m back to where i started all over again.  i can’t believe i gave you a second chance.  you turned out to be exactly who i thought you were.  and then, you don’t even have the balls to admit that you KNEW you were hurting me.  i’m so sick of you blaming all of your problems on your fucking family.  i don’t care how dysfunctional your family is, i feel for you, i really do, but it’s not my fault you let it affect your life this way, and i don’t deserve all of the pain you put me through just because you don’t know how to channel your fucking emotions.  i go through enough, and you know it’s to a very bad extent.  i don’t need this from you, too.  

you told me you didn’t like her.  you said that even if we didn’t work out, you wouldn’t get back together with her.  so why the fuck are you dating her when you haven’t ended things with me yet?  i have a good fucking memory.  don’t tell me we “never talked.”  you’re right, we didn’t, because we both agreed that it was better to figure things out when i got home.  it’s because we’re supposed to be figuring things out now.  so why are you already dating someone else, when we’re NOT DONE YET?  and why the hell did i find out indirectly, through your BEST FRIEND, AND HER, AND NOT YOU?  thanks for taking advantage of my time.  i only wasted the past month and a half thinking there might be a chance we were going to work out.  i only turned down two different guys, saying to myself, “well, even if me and him don’t work out, i should wait.”  oh, and thank you so much for taking advantage of my kindness.  now it makes sense why you were being so cold in return.  it’s because you had already given up on us, and, apparently, just decided i didn’t deserve to know that.  

i’m so sick of people not being honest with me.  why do people think it’s better to lie to someone about something this important?  you’re not sparing them any pain.  i know it wouldn’t’ve been easy, but you hurt people ten times more this way.   

the part i don’t get the most is that you KNEW this would hurt me.  stop acting like you didn’t know that.  i thought that, if anything, our FRIENDSHIP mattered enough to you that you wouldn’t risk it.  after 8 months of tossing and turning over it, i’d hoped that maybe you wanted to at least save our friendship.  YOU’RE the one who started flirting with me first.  although, yes, deep down i was hoping you’d ask, i wasn’t looking for a relationship with you.  you’re the one who built me up and convinced me that it was worth it in the first place.  is she really that important to you, that you felt i was worth using?  or did you just change your mind, because you were really that fed up with me already?   

i was so honest with you.  i was telling you things about myself that i’ve never told anyone before, and trusting you in ways that i haven’t trusted people before, even though i didn’t exactly want to.  maybe you just weren’t listening, though, because you clearly weren’t exactly reacting the way i expected you to.   god, and you even had the guts to tell me that “not all guys are assholes.”  i think you just proved that, yes, they actually are.  every single one of them.  

you refused to talk to my parents.  you said that they “don’t like” you.  well, i wonder why that is, maybe because you’re always screwing girls over like this, specifically me and her.   my dad is not the over-protective type by any means when it comes to guys.  you’re the only exception, because he’s watched how bad it’s gotten firsthand with you.  any guy who really liked me would’ve tried to change my parents’ opinion of him.  maybe you knew from the start that you were going to do this to me.  you probably did.  that’s why you didn’t even bother.  

and on top of it all, everyone knows.  everyone found out a long time ago.  everyone except for me.  i feel so humiliated.  and you’ve probably been talking shit about me to every single person who has asked you about it.  i should’ve listened to everyone else and not given you a second chance.  they were all right about you.  

at least i know one thing.  if you ask me, i’m going to tell you that no, our friendship isn’t worth it anymore.  i feel like i’m constantly giving in to you, and i can’t talk to you the way i used to be able to.   and i’m pretty sure you can’t talk to me the way you used to be able to, either.  and let’s be real, in the long run, i always feel really shitty about myself after we hang out.  so, we’re done.  i don’t know how i’m going to do this, but we’re done.  and this time, it’s forever.  


i’m sorry, people of tumblr.  it was either here or on facebook.  i’m sure most of you will overlook this, anyway, but still, just for the record, i really needed to get this out.